When Trauma Colors Love: How Pleasers Attract Narcissists and How to Stop It (PTSS)

Complex PTSD exhibits overlapping characteristics with borderline personality disorder. It is not congenital but arises from early childhood trauma or other significant experiences. It manifests, among other things, in perfectionism, harsh self-criticism, critical judgments of others, and disproportionate emotional reactions to triggers. A disturbed breathing pattern—breathing too shallowly and too high—sends signals to the brain indicating flight or danger; tense muscles reinforce that alarm signal. This often leads to self-isolation and procrastination. (Think of back and neck hernias as a result of all this.)

Mindfulness and body-oriented techniques can help to unlearn people-pleasing behavior. (P.S. I have access to various hypnotherapy and NLP methods, including Bandler techniques.)

Codependents (people-pleasers whose boundaries were systematically ignored or broken during childhood) must unlearn their people-pleasing behavior step by step. Only then will they stop attracting narcissists and psychopaths. People-pleasers, people with CPTSS, and codependents often originate in families with mentally unstable, narcissistic, violent, or perfectionist parents. Such families also give rise to the narcissist (referred to here as a pathological personality disorder characterized by a lack of empathy) and the secondary psychopath (likewise characterized by a lack of conscience and empathy).

Codependents must learn that they are allowed to disapprove of people, that they may react negatively to insults, and that they must learn to recognize what an insult is in the first place — preferably under the guidance of a therapist.

Some people-pleasers have developed an almost clairvoyant ability to ‘read’ the moods and expectations of their violent or manipulative parents. This habit must be unlearned.

Unlearn: constantly having to ‘read’ others.

Unlearn: trying to appease others.

Unlearn: going along with the emotions of others (empathy is allowed, but stop overdoing it).

Stop reacting with amusement to sarcasm. Stop adopting a loving attitude towards someone who behaves in a punitive manner.

Stop being forgiving towards someone who repeatedly hurts you.

Be true to what you truly feel.

Stop trying to seduce everyone into liking you.

Your mother's punitive perfectionism has made you unable to tolerate constructive feedback. That is why gradual mindfulness training is important.

Healing your inner child can be done through NLP, hypnotherapy, conversations, and narrative therapy.

Someone with complex PTSD must constantly train their mind and unlearn the body from shallow breathing and tensing muscles. When experiencing a disproportionate reaction, you can say to yourself: “I am having a flashback. Stop.” Then breathe in and out slowly ten times, relax your muscles, and visualize yourself in a safe place. Say to yourself: “My reaction is exaggerated. It is safe. This is a flashback. I am now an intelligent adult and possess skills I did not have as a child.” You can also go back to a moment in your childhood when you experienced a similar pain or fear to the disproportionate reaction you recently had due to a trigger. Only do this after you have first visualized your ‘safe place’ and calmed your breathing. In that memory, take the inner child you once were in your arms and say: “I am your adult version. I am strong, I am intelligent, and I will protect you.”

Sources: Complex PTSD P. Walker, Getting past your past, F. Shapiro, Alice Miller, Bessel van der Kolk, Trauma Traces, Nancy McWillems, Psychoanalytic diagnosis, R. Hare, Snakes in suits, Hirigoyen, Bulling and harassment, Sitskoorn, Vaknin and many other books (hypnotherapy, Bandler, Milton etc.).

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